![]() ![]() It’s been an on-and-off issue, and the only real point of friction in our relationship. Though she’s grown close to my friends and family, in some way they “don’t count” because if I leave her, they will cease to be her friends, or something. She feels she needs to keep these exes around because they’re the only friends she has. ![]() We had an argument about it, and eventually she confided in me that she has issues with attention from men when she’s in a relationship, and that she has very few girlfriends. It’s important to note that I didn’t root around for these texts-I was in the process of returning the phone to her and they were staring me in the face. ![]() She told me she cut that ex off, but after we became exclusive, she left her phone at home and open and I noticed that she hadn’t in fact cut him off, and that this ex was also encouraging her to get rid of me and get back with him (though she professed no interest at all to me). Another ex-turned-friend pressured her for sex on a vacation they went on together as friends shortly after we got together, but before we became exclusive I supported her from afar in fending him off with late-night texts encouraging her to stand her ground. One of them is a rich narcissist who still sends her expensive gifts she can’t seem to cut him out, even though he let her take the fall for a mutual domestic altercation that sent her (wrongfully) to jail. Of course, in a story like this, there’s always a “but,” so here’s mine: She maintains relationships with many of her exes, including the ones who were abusive. We leaned into the animal desire we had for each other, joking sometimes together that “our love language was fucking.” We moved in together midway through the pandemic and started talking about a future, maybe getting hitched, kids, the works. It was maybe a little vanilla by some folks’ standards, but that was mostly because we were too eager to rip each other’s clothes off to mess with extra layers. Our sex life throughout was vigorous by my standards-several times a week, with both parties usually orgasming, sometimes multiple times per session. Our communication remained open and honest throughout: We were comfortable talking about everything from why our past relationships dissolved to what we wanted in bed to handling stress or needs for space. It felt lucky to find joy in the middle of so much sadness. It felt serendipitous, and also weirdly at odds with the outside world: As everything was crumbling, we were discovering new ways to be excited about each other every day. So we resolved to make it exclusive mere days before everything shut down. I had been a couple years out of a divorce, and she had been a few years out of an abusive, all-consuming relationship, and we were both ready for something steady again. Everything from activities to life goals to our sex life just seemed to click in spectacular fashion. I’m a 41-year-old man who met my partner (35-year-old woman) just two months before the pandemic, and we immediately connected on all levels from the start. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. #Gifts for my gf while im away how toHow to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. ![]()
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